I’ve always taken pride in my ability to get things done quickly, but with efficiency. I always anticipate results to manifest as soon as possible. Call me a control freak, but I have to admit that I try to do everything in my power to make sure that the results that I want to happen will happen. Unfortunately, I never take into account the fact that things don’t always go the way you expect them to. You can’t control certain situations.

It’s actually counter-productive to be “too hands on”. I convince myself that constantly holding hands every step of the way actually drives me further away from the results that I want. I guess this is why I’m so consumed in running and training for races. I’m in complete control of how far and long I run. I can plan every week with how much I want to get done and if I fall short, then I have no one to blame myself.

Yet, even in running, you still can never predict what your results will be. Even after all of the hours, days, weeks, and months of training that I put into a race, things can still go wrong along the way. I don’t know why I can’t accept this truth when it comes to life.

After the countless number of races that I’ve ran ever since I first started running, I’ve come to understand that things happen outside of my control. Over the years, I’ve let go of beating myself up if I don’t get the time that I want. I used to be really hard on myself in cross country and track when I was in high school. Thankfully, I’ve matured since then. I just wish I could grasp this level of maturity for the rest of my life already. I can simply apply this understanding to relationships, work, etc…but I don’t. And I don’t know why.

I look back on every relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve tried to control every single one of them. And where has this brought me? Nowhere.

I continue to drive people away with my continuous anxiety, impatience, and over-eagerness. I don’t know how to remove myself from the situation and just let things fall together (or apart) as they should.

It’s so easy for me to write about this, but applying my understandings to the other areas of my life seems like an impossible task.

It’s ironic that what I really need to do to progress is just slow down, not speed up. Results will always come in time.

Breathing room

It’s been about a month since I’ve had anything to share via WordPress and there is a reason for that. Fortunately, it’s a good reason.

It’s funny how I have so much more to say when things are going wrong in my life or if I’m in some sort of panicked state. Instead, I’ve been in the happiest state that I’ve been in within the past four months. Naturally, the panicked state is returning.

I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone else shares a similar feeling of paranoia when things are going too well. It might just be me (with the exception of a few other people as weird as I am) Lately, I’ve been happy across all areas of my life in the past month, and it’s starting to scare me; Not because I don’t want to be happy, but because I know that happiness doesn’t last forever. I constantly go through waves of emotions, which is a normal human process, but I can’t wrap my head around this feeling. For the past few months, I’ve gotten so used to the struggles and the stress of the back-to-back conflicts that kept pushing me down. I must be shell-shocked to have this room to breathe.

I’d like to think that this is life’s way of letting me catch my breath and take a break from chaos. Either way, when I’m panicked, I’m panicked and when I’m happy, I’m still panicked.

I must be a drama queen because I’m suspicious of how smoothly things are currently going. It would be nice to appreciate this happiness, but as usual I’m still working on it…