Month: September 2014

Think.

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I’m sure that most of you have heard the saying, “You can’t judge a book by its cover”

Well, most of the time, we do. Actually, it could be safe to say that some of us always do. It’s human nature though. Sometimes, we just can’t help it.

For example, you fall in love with an apartment that you end up buying, but later find out that it has plumbing issues, the floorboards are crooked, and the bathroom has mold. You probably should have looked into this before signing the paperwork, but you were so blinded by your obsession with the great location, the floor plan layout, and the fact that the building has an elevator with a doorman. It’s hard to think about the negatives when all you see are the positives.

Now, I’m not encouraging anyone to be pessimistic, but I’m starting to think that maybe we should be a little more careful with the decisions that we make in our lives as we get older.

It’s much easier when you were a kid. You had the freedom to make silly decisions because silly decisions were all you had. The consequences weren’t as dire because your parents were usually the ruling hand (aside from teachers) The worst thing that could happen to you is your parents take away your toys and you’re left to sulk in silence. How terrible, right?

As we get older, the consequences that we receive come from all types of outside factors that could change the course of our lives forever.

I recently read a Medium article that my sister shared with me called, “I have 46 Thanksgiving dinners left with my family. After that, I’ll be Dead” It really dawned on me about how little time we have left on this earth. It suggested that we really start appreciating the people in our lives and the time we spend with our family, to stop worrying about the bullshit, and to be present in the memories that we are making.

As we get older, the more important decisions could come down to, “Should I switch job industries?” or “Should I fly out to spend Thanksgiving with my family or just stay here with my friends?”

These are the decisions that could change our lives forever. But I warn you, take a few minutes to step back and really think about what you’re doing because some decisions can’t be made undone.

What if the reason you were changing job industries was because there was another realm of business that “seemed” like it was doing better. Or what if you chose to spend your Thanksgiving with your friends because it would have been too much of a hassle to go home during a holiday?

At the moment, it seems like a minuscule decision, but these are the decisions that could breed the largest consequences.

What if you did change job industries and that business tanked? What if you missed Thanksgiving with your family and that was the last time you could have seen one of your relatives because he or she passed a few weeks later?

Sometimes, certain choices seem more appealing at the time, but as you get older, you can’t judge a book by its cover. You can’t make split second decisions the way that you used to because you don’t have the same time as you did when you were 17. You never know what could happen. Some people come into your life and you want to put all of your cards down on the table for them, but in the end, you wind up alone because they never wanted the same things that you did. You have to look at the signs. You have to read through all the pages. You have to make the decisions that will be better for you in the long run.

I’m not discouraging anyone from taking risks or fulfilling their dreams. That’s not what I’m writing about at all. I’m just encouraging you to think.

It’s true that we become more afraid as we grow older. When we were kids, we would run as fast as we could without the fear of falling or getting hurt. Now, we’re so much more cautious with our hearts. But we must protect our hearts as we get older. That’s why we need to make more conscious decisions with the less and less time we have left on this earth.

Hold Onto What You Love

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This will be the first time that I’m writing about running in quite some time, so pardon me if I’m a bit rusty.

Somewhere along the journey of my path to “finding myself”, I lost my connection to running. I’ve had a disconnect from this part of my life ever since I got promoted to a new job within my company back in November of 2013.

I used to work directly with Runner’s World Magazine, where I had hands on experience working with the people who really made the magazine come to life. In my first year and a half of working at Runner’s World, I was fully immersed in all things running. I ran my first half marathon, my second half marathon, and eventually my first full marathon all within the very first year of working at my company. It was surreal. It was a dream come true.

However, somewhere along the way, my priorities shifted. After I got promoted, running became more of a sideline task. It became an “if I have time” item on my to-do list. Ever since that happened, I’ve felt more lost than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Throughout my life, I’ve gotten into the habit of writing out a list of goals that I want to accomplish in the beginning of every new year. One of my goals for 2014 was to run another half marathon and full marathon. So far, I’ve gone through all of 2014 without running a single race, not even a 5K.

I signed up for the San Francisco Marathon back in January/February. By doing that, I planted the idea in my head that I was going to complete my goal of running a marathon this year.

Later in March, my friend and I decided to spontaneously book a trip to Australia (which was actually another goal on my 2014 list – to travel to a foreign country)

As the weeks went by and the San Francisco Marathon was getting closer and closer, I ended up backing out of running it. I had to sacrifice the race to save money for my trip to Australia. I had booked my flight to be exactly one week after the day of the marathon – A wonderful idea that was on my part…not.

Not running the San Francisco Marathon was devastating. I was heartbroken. I was completely disappointed with myself because I’ve never set my sights for a goal that I couldn’t eventually accomplish.

After a series of discouraging events prior to my trip to Australia, I was feeling defeated. I’ve always been a very lucky person. Things have always somehow worked out for me without ever having to put in too much effort.

This year did not follow that pattern.

But, in a bizarre turn of events, my year began looking up ever since I returned from my trip, reassuring me that things really do eventually work out…with time.

Therefore, I’m proud to announce that I will be running the 2014 TCS New York City Marathon on November 2nd, giving me hope that although I was down, I am not out.

I’ve began training again for the first time in over a year and I have never felt more alive. There’s something about running that makes me feel balanced. There’s something about it that makes me feel like I have meaning in my life. I may be wrong, but I think that’s called passion.

So my advice to you is this: If you have found something or someone that makes you feel completely alive, makes you feel completely lost if you don’t have it, makes you wake up in the morning feeling like you can conquer the world, then PLEASE by all means, hold onto it.

It’s very rare to find something or someone that you truly care about and life is just too short to roam the earth feeling lost.

Never Forget

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I’ve been working in New York City for almost two and a half years now.

I started working here on June 4th, 2012.

I moved into the city on December 1st, 2012.

I moved out of the City on May 31st, 2014.

With all the changes that have happened in my life and the lives of others over these past few years, the city seems to always remain the same. However, there are still certain days that have an impact on me and at this point, will most likely continue to have an impact on me for the rest of my life; those significant days that bring crashing waves of memories because it changed your life.

As I commuted into the city this morning to go to work, there was a difference that I felt.

Today is the 13th anniversary of the day that New York City’s twin towers were attacked. I was in my sixth grade English class at Thomas Jefferson Middle School in Edison, New Jersey when it happened. The impact of this event never hit as close to home as it has in my recent years since I’ve had an attachment to New York City.

When I entered Penn Station this morning, there was a memorial ceremony taking place in remembrance of 9/11. I was going to continue on my way to work, but I stopped to watch for a few minutes and my suddenly eyes began tearing.

I had no idea what came over me, but a wave of emotions took over and I was completely filled with sadness. As I got on the subway, I started thinking back on my life in New York City and how much it has changed me. I started thinking of all the past and present struggles in my life. I thought about why in the world I even chose to work in such an overwhelming place. As I looked around at the people who were next to me on the subway, I wondered if they were thinking the same thing.

I never thought that I would end up here. To be honest, I hated the idea of even being in the city when I was younger. I hated the smell, hated the crowds, hated the speed of everything.

Not until I started working here did I embrace this lifestyle.

This morning, I thought about how strong of a city New York really is and moreover, how strong the people inhabiting this city are. I thought about the impact that it has on millions of people.

I remembered why I fell in love with this city, with all of its seductive qualities; its chaos.

Then, realized why I became so sad this morning. I started to think about how close to home 9/11 really does hit me now and how close to home it hits to not only the people who live or work here, but to those who are outside of New York City; It hits not only just the United States, but the entire world.

New York City is made up of an endless combination of human beings. There are people living and working here who have come from every corner of the Earth. In the few years that I have been here, I’ve been moved by so many people who all have a unique story and attachment to New York City. To me, this place, this concrete jungle is my home. It’s no surprise that when I traveled all the way to Australia, I introduced myself as being from New York City instead of my actual hometown in New Jersey.

Everyone has some sort of attachment to this place. For some reason, it attracts all types of people and we will never fully understand why. It’s dirty, loud, and overall stressful to be in. But I do love it.

I’ve fallen in love a few times before – three to be exact. But the one love that has changed me the most is the love I have for New York City.

I know it’s a little melodramatic and exaggerated to say, but I fell truly, madly, and deeply in love with this place.

I watch television shows like Friends, Sex and the City, and How I Met Your Mother and I can fully understand and relate to everything that they reference.

To my friends who haven’t experienced the city the way I have, who haven’t worked or lived here, believe me when I say that you can never fully understand. There’s just something about being in New York City constantly; something that keeps us on our toes and wanting more. But, it’s definitely not for everyone.

So, on this day, when I think about the attack that happened on 9/11, I’m overcome with emotion. Because how dare someone attack something I love so much?

There will always be days that I will never forget. The day I started working here. The day I moved in. The day I moved out. And today.

Today is one of those days.

Until Love

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I’m proud to announce that my sister and I have recently made our band, Until Love, official.

Although this news hasn’t exactly been present in my blog entries, it’s been an ongoing project for the past few months.

Music has always been a large influence in my life and my sister was an even larger influence. When I first moved to New York City, my sister and I sang together at various local open mics hosted at coffee shops and bars throughout Manhattan and Brooklyn. It was never something that I fully took seriously. It was just something that I did for fun to keep my creativity in check, alongside with my writing. It wasn’t even very frequent either. We would meet up a few times times in a month to practice covers of songs that we liked so we could perform for our friends or even just for ourselves.

After experiencing a two-year-long roller coaster ride of emotions from living in the most affluent city in the world, my creativity grew far larger than I had ever imagined.

I can’t emphasize enough about how difficult the first half of 2014 was for me. I’ve had countless heartbreaks and struggles and after a certain point, I really wanted to give up and stop everything that I was doing. Without my sister’s encouragement, I’m not sure how or if I would have been able to pull myself out of the hole that I dug myself into.

What came out of these hardships was an abundance of writing and music. Fortunately, I wasn’t alone in this difficult year – My sister had also experienced a tough year and our combined emotions had to go somewhere.

My sister began writing her own music and shortly after, I began collaborating with her. The results were something that we never expected – A full set list of songs.

Therefore, with tremendous excitement, I’m proud to announce that our Facebook and Twitter pages are now live. We will be providing updates on our official website launch, EP release, and upcoming shows, so stay tuned.

“Like” our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter. We could use all the support that we can get!

Something’s Missing

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My whole life, I’ve always felt like a part of me was missing – Like there was a piece that I had to find to make me feel whole inside. I’ve searched for this piece through various hobbies, friends, relationships, jobs, and so on.

To this day, I haven’t found one thing that brought continuous fulfillment to sustain my happiness. It was always temporary. A fleeting moment.

I always make lists for myself just so I can cross things off and say I’ve done them. In my eyes, that was my definition of accomplishment. And I figured that accomplishment would bring me happiness. Creating goals and then meeting them was always the idea I had of finding happiness. Of course I always felt that instant moment of satisfaction, but I can’t apply that same moment of satisfaction to my current state of mind.

I made my list – I graduated high school, graduated college, got an internship, had a long-term boyfriend, got a job after college, moved to New York City. I did all of the things that I set my mind on and now where did that leave me?

I’ve gone through countless boyfriends, jobs, apartments, etc. and none of them brought me enough happiness to carry me through my bad days.

Some people may say that happiness is a series of happenings, but I beg to differ.

I’m fully aware and confident in the fact that true happiness comes from within; that you must feel happy with yourself whether you have the things you have or you don’t.

I recently went through a breakup (or ten) with someone that I had been dating for several months. The breakup itself lasted almost 2 entire months. The reason being is that I couldn’t stand the fact of not having him around. I couldn’t imagine the possibility of being happy if we weren’t together. This is never the type of person that I wanted to become.

How could I, or anyone else, define their happiness through another person? If we do, then we clearly don’t have any control over our lives.

Over and over again, I ask myself, “Why can’t I just be happy with myself? Alone.”

To this day, I still can’t answer the question.

I don’t think it can be taught or explained. I don’t think that anyone else can show you. You simply have to experience it for yourself. I just wonder how many more shitty mistakes I’ll have to make before reaching some sort of epiphany.