The Re-Return

I am no stranger to the on-again-off-again relationship. Up until recently, I’ve been dealing with the same scenario for almost two years. Even now that I’ve “ended it” once again, I still question myself and wonder if I’m going to dig myself into the same hole that I have been attempting to crawl out of for the past two years.

I’m a serial re-returner. Even outside of my aforementioned on-again-off-again relationship, I tend to follow the same pattern of revisiting old memories, summoning ghosts from my past, and resuming old habits. As they say, old habits die hard.
 
When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up for the umpteenth time back this past June, I did what any typical broken-hearted girl would do. I went into an extremely deep and depressing period of Netflix binge-watching. You may be wondering what was my choice poison – Well, it was Grey’s Anatomy. Classic, I know.
 
I’ve never actually gotten through a majority of the seasons. I usually stop myself at some point halfway through once I’ve realized that I’ve had enough of suffering in silence. However, there was one quote in a particular episode that struck me, when Meredith Grey was narrating. She asks the question, 
“What’s worse? New wounds, which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago, but never did?” 

This question really resonated with me and it couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time as I was wallowing what may be my 8th or 9th cycle of post break-up depression. Right then and there, I noticed, I was doing it again. I was re-returning. I was re-returning by going back to a show that I typically use as my routine pick-me-up whenever I’m sad. I was re-returning by thinking of my ex-boyfriend again. And it always follows the same pattern.

I’m a slave to the familiar. A clinger. I tend to hold onto things and people as tightly as possible, dismissing the reality of hindsight bias, which is when you look back at a particular situation and say to yourself, “It wasn’t all that bad” (even though it really was at the time).
 
So, I had to ask myself Meredith Grey’s question of 
“What’s worse? New wounds, which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago, but never did?” 
To be quite frank, I honestly don’t know because apparently I always lean towards feeling the pain of old wounds that I never allow to fully heal.
 
Albert Einstein once said, 
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 
Even as I am quoting this universal genius, I am already aware that I’ve quoted him in past writing which proves that I am, in fact, an insane person for continuously repeating my own history by going back to old habits.
 
I wonder, what makes us so afraid of creating new wounds? Old wounds aren’t any less painful than new ones. If anything, old wounds are actually more painful in the sense that re-opening them continues to make the scar worse until you are so far damaged that you’re actually incapable of creating new wounds. 
 
Re-opening old wounds, re-returning to those things and people who have hurt us, increases our risk for paralysis and that just terrifies me to my core.
 
If you ever observe children as they are running or playing, they don’t have that fear of getting hurt. They just do what they please and risk the pain because they are resilient and they can heal quicker than us adults can.
 
I’m afraid that I have re-opened too many old wounds to the point where I really am afraid of creating new ones. I’m afraid that I’m becoming that broken, cynical, scarred person that I once dreaded becoming.
 
Adulthood is nothing like I had expected it to be. I never imagined that the plans I had set out for myself wouldn’t go as I anticipated. I never imagined that the people I cared so deeply about would hurt me so much. I never imagined that I would even allow people to hurt me so badly.
 
But, I did. And I still am.
 
They say that time heals all wounds. Well, I’ve learned that time alone doesn’t do that phrase justice. You, as an individual, also have to make a conscious effort to protect yourself by leaving old wounds alone and allowing time to take its course.
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A pie of pizza and 10 miles to go

So, my Friday night went a little something like this:

I had been putting off doing my laundry for about 2 weeks. Of course, it was only until I had plans to go out with my friends when I actually decided to get it done.

I did laundry for about 2 hours; I really underestimated how many loads I had to do. At that point, I was so frustrated that I just decided to stay in for the night.

Last night was a bit of a depressing night for me. It ended up being exactly what I needed though- a night to myself where I could relax and catch up on Season 7 of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Oh, and did I mention that I also ordered myself a personal pie of Papa John’s pizza which I finished by myself…in a matter of about 10 minutes.

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Thankfully, I knew that I was going to run that pie off today.

My night in ended up being a late night, ironically. I stayed up watching How I Met Your Mother episodes until around 4AM, so I woke up a lot later than I wanted to for my long run this morning.

When I woke up, the sunlight was beaming through my light blue curtains. The brightness woke me up which automatically put my in a great mood. My first thoughts: I’m going to run.

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I stepped outside and couldn’t believe how perfect the weather was. It was ideal conditions and I started my run a lot faster than I normally would. I’d usually take it out slow, but I just couldn’t contain my excitement, knowing that Spring was just around the corner. Subconsciously I knew that going out too fast on a long run is never a good idea. After about 3 miles, my calves started tightening up and feeling sore. I clocked in at about 25 minutes for my first 3 miles. Immediately, I was nervous that this run was going to go sour, but the minute that I turned into Central Park and saw the packs of runners everywhere, the soreness in my legs went away. I was able to maintain my 8:30-minute pace throughout the rest of my run.

I was aiming for 14 today, but I cut myself off at 10 because I wanted to leave off feeling great. I also really had to go to the bathroom.

Total Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes
Total Miles: 10.20 miles

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After today, I fear for a bad long run.

After today, I also absolutely can’t wait for Big Sur as it’s getting closer to April.

I still haven’t hit the mileage that I want to, but I know that I’ll get there (even though I’m really running out of time)

As mentioned in a past blog entry, factors play a significant role in the way our days pan out. You should never regret the decisions you make- only learn from them and grow.

Looking at it from a different perspective, I know that my decision to do laundry and stay in and relax was the most favorable for what I had to get done in my marathon training. This time right now, I just need to make sure that my body is in the best condition that it could be- especially for my VERY FIRST marathon.

I may have already also said in a past blog entry, but sacrifice is key when you want to accomplish a goal. Your time is precious and the way that you allocate your time makes all the difference in the long run (nice play on words there, right?)

In closing, think before you do.